something happened and i got caught up…i found myself, my mind…going way back…back in time…really trying to piece this whole mess back together…trying to make since of what happened to get me here…now…why…i’m searchin for an answer…i’m searchin for closure…forgiveness from myself…forgiveness from GOD.

Chronicle 1

In 1985 my self destructive life pattern would change forever, however, it would get worse before it would get better. My desire to fit in, and be all of that would come with a price, and an attitude that would often times bring more harm than good. Quick-tempered and sensitive are not the best combo for one individual to possess. My sister, Lynn, and I had a love hate relationship, partially due to her severe mood swings. When she was feelin up it was all good, but when she was down, look out and stay out of the way. I learned early not to cross her, but my own bold attitude would provoke a ‘I don’t care’ stance. On the flip side she was one of the most giving, individuals I knew during this time, She had a strong love for babies, and if you were in her world your baby would be blessed by default. However, our relationship was up and down. Lynn would be the one to rock my false reality, this is my story......

Life began August 27, 1964, in San Mateo, California, time unknown, exact location unknown, father unknown, mother Catherine Hill aka Cat. I took my first breath and thus the journey began. My unplanned conception was evident my first year of life. The significance of the first year of life goes without saying. The first year of life greatly impacts a child’s future a child’s destiny…

Within a few months of my arrival Cat made the decision to give me away, the woman who gave me life could not sustain my life, nor cultivate my being. Depending on the position I choose to take I could say she either loved me so much she made this choice of what she thought would be a better life or she loved me so little, she selfishly chose to not have to deal with the responsibility of another mouth to feed. I believe it was both.

I was given to the Johnson family, Eddie the preacher, his wife Dorothy, and their son Eddie Jr., and for 18+ years my reality would be the Johnson family, this is my father, my mother and my brother. It wasn't until I was 18 I would find out the truth of my past and who was who in my piece of this world.

What drives a mother to give her baby away to perfect strangers. I know it happens all the time in adoptions but i still wonder when does the disconnect take place? Is it when the baby is in the womb, does the mother numb herself from all senses of attachment, therefore preventing maternal instinct from truly kicking in? does maternal instinct come naturally, are we born with it or do we learn it? If it’s learned who do we learn it from if we don’t have a mother or ‘mother’ role models in our life? God bless the child who doesn't have a mama to call her own.

searchin...

again

so I called you, just to hear your voice, play catch up

wishin, hopin to find a  little more of me in you

i’m searchin again

it’s been happening a little more frequently

this feelin I get that makes me look for you

and long to see you again

searchin

for what was lost trying to find something in you that may explain me

searchin again

reading between the lines, you spoke, about everyone,

everything, that has happened since I last searched,

there are so many pieces to this puzzle, so once again I’m searchin,

 hopin, wishin, to find a edge, or perhaps a corner,

that will bring me closer, to completion,

closer to knowledge

closer to strength

closer to forgiveness

closer to me

closer to inner peace

again

searchin

Cat

They say heroine is one of the most addictive drugs out there and it's been around for a long minute, i heard abt heroin way before crack, crank, and meth came on the scene. It’s so addicting you'll do just about anything for another hit. nothing matters as it enters the bloodstream, impacts the central nervous system, stimulates the brain and all you can think about is your next high, reaching that same intensity or higher, euphoria, intense excitement and pleasure. Nothing matters at all, family, friends, work, bills, none of life’s necessities. All will be put on hold for another hit. My mother had a heroine addiction.

When I met Cat in 1988 I was 24 years old, I wasn't sure what to expect, I only know what I desired, and that was love, acceptance, joy and a little regret on her part for giving me away and missing out on my upbringing, but what I got was distance and silence. She didn't know what to do or say, back then I couldn't understand her behavior but now I know this was fear of the unknown. She had no idea how I was feeling or how I would act toward her, she assumed I would be angry and full of questions she wasn't ready to address. Angry no, but full of emotions and questions, yes, however, I knew their was time to learn the chain of events that lead Cat to her decision.   

Cat's Version....

Married to a man that was incarcerated, mother of two girls, Paula and Carrie, Cat found herself pregnant again, at the age of 20 and this would be child number 3. 

don’t cry baby…mama’s coming

don’t cry…mama’s comin

please don’t cry…mama’s

almost finished

i said i’m comin…baby don’t cry

almost…yeah…almost

there…almost done

okay…i’m finished

baby…I said I was coming

so don’t cry…mama’s here.

that baby won’t stop crying

all the time…crying

day and night…crying

i tried putting her in the room

but still…crying

all the time…crying

i can’t take it…crying

crying…crying…crying

that baby won’t stop

oh…that baby

she cries all the time

i mean all the time…crying

her name?

you want to hold her?

you want to take her home?

you want to keep her?